Friday, December 22, 2006

Two Best YouToobs in the Hystory of Man Kind

First of all we have this great video on how to win bar fights from Bas Rutten via College Humour.

Another method he doesn't mention is pretending to be nice, saying you don't want to fight, distracting him with your push-up bra cleavage then boom! Kick in the groin.

Then when it's all over cut off his dick and mail it back to him in a box. Oh baby!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

HOW TO: Make Your Own Music Blog

Step-by-step how-to on making your own music blog.

Justin Timberlake: Tough on Terror, Easy on the Eyes

Remember douchebags: every Wednesday a new Gabcast, all the other days of the work week a written blog post.

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Top Five Bimbo Albums of 2006

I keep hearing about nerd pride but it seems like the Internet is full of geek chic. We need to respect bimbos as well. In fact I officially declare December Bimbo Pride Month. The internet runs on porn: where would porn be without bimbos? And you try telling me that blogs like Gawker and Stereogum don't write about bimbos like Britney and Paris. I salute America's bimbos. Bimbos are also great musicians. Here are the best of the year.

5) Brooke Hogan, Undiscovered: She's got hot beats, but her muscles are sexy as well. Though I got to admit she blurs the line between bimbo and meathead. Still, very nice. A great symbol of bimbo strength. I mean she was in the same room as Paul Wall and his grills didn't scare her off. Tuff and sexy.

4) Nelly Furtado, Loose: Oh baby. Talk about hot. As soon as I hear "Furtado" I get a boner. In fact, I get horny when I hear "fart" because it sounds like "Furtado." When someone says "fart taco," forget about it.

3) Fergie, The Dutchess: Ooh, Fergie is a bimbo rite down to that urine-soaked camel toe. No shame in her game baby. I'd love to drive my Mini Cooperstretch limo across her bridge. Oh baby.

2) Jessica Simpson, A Public Affair: Let's get to the point, as Nelly Furtado would say: Jessica Simpson and funny dudes go together like pizza and beer. Dane Cook, Johnny Knoxville, Andy Dick. In fact, Jessica Simpson, I would like to publicly ask you to star in a movie with me called A Guy Thing. I salute you for working exclusively with meatheads like Dane Cook and for never being ashamed of being a bimbo.

1) Paris Hilton, Paris: Paris Hilton is the queen of bimbos. That video One Night in Paris is one of the most downloaded videos of all time. Sorry nerd, but that Star Wars video you made will never beat the Paris video. Paris is the queen of Internet bimbosity. Tell me one blog that don't talk about her. If it doesn't it's boring-it probably talks about steampunk toilets or something. Stars are blind indeed: otherwise they would all grind on Paris.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Top Ten Meathead Albums of 2006

What's up douchebags? It's Guy Ernest here. We all heard that geeks are in and indie is the new mainstream. But like true wimpy cookie pusses they cry when their nerdcore or indie isn't #1 on Bill's Board. Sorry, but the meatheads rule the charts. But everywhere I look on the Internette I see all these top ten lists about guys I haven't heard of. Hold Steady? Beirut? Zombies vs. Aliens? Here's the real deal: albums that everybody's heard that true macho men like. You nerds can have your chiptune: this is a new era; meat chic will take over geek chic. I'm gonna give you the top ten: Guy Ernest style!

10) Jet, Shine On(I can't find the underline button): "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" is a real man's song. None of this "Are you gonna be my ugly nerd cosplay girl with glasses" nonsense. Real tough, manly rock and roll.
The new song is more better and more toughest. "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is" is what the ladies say. Tell me you can't relate to this:

And the beat goes on

She knows nothin' is wrong

She goes down, like a setting sun, ow

Tell me you can't relate to that. Actually those lines are so truly poetic they can mean anything. Maybe she's slurpin' the sausage, maybe she fell down on the floor, maybe the Jet guy put her in a blender because she was ok with it ("she knows nothing is wrong") and he's drinking a pureed version of her. Who new those guys were so beautiful. Their lyrics. I mean.

4) Audioslave, Revelations (underlined):
One day I was depressed because a bunch of hippies made fun of me for liking Dane Cook (the best looking laughing comedian ever). I was sad until I heard "Original Fire." I was so inspired I wrote a poem called "Douchebag." Here's a taste:

What's the sound of a vinegar truck and a water truck colliding?
You, douchebag.

"Original Fire" is as beautiful as a feathered blond on a Trans-Am with a pukka shell necklace.

3) Hinder, Extreme Behaviour
You know how, when you finish a football game, you got to tap your friend on the ass and say "good game?" Well this is the musical equivalent of that. "Lips of an Angel" is a pink fluffy turd, I kno but "Get Stoned" is so smooth. One time I smoked a blunt outside of Applebee's with my friend Biff Bixby and we ordered five plates of hot wings afterwords. Me and Biff kept singing this to each other.

Lets go home and get stoned (just that part over and over again)

Man that was funny. LOLz tee hee.

2) Nickelback, All the Wright Reasons: Nevermind this came out last year. But this video takes me back to high school. I love the beginning when the guy who sings "Spider Man" holds a picture to the camera and says "Look at this photograph." I always wanted to know what photograph he was talking about.

1) Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stadium Arcadium: The only thing wrong with this album is they talk about California more than New York. I want to make my own band called The Red Hot Chili Peppers: New York. Kind of like CSI: New York. Instead of "Californication" the album would be called "Screw York." Oh baby, solid gold wordplay. But I love how they talk about funky sex. Keep it up dudes. You're cooler than cucumbers in a penguin's fridge underneath a six-pack of Molson Ice.


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Bimbos and Jocks Unite!

Here I talk about the Wii-vibrator (told you it's not for real men, bimbo pride and jock hip-hop.

Important Links



MySpice Beats Yahoo

Meat Chic Manifesto Part I

Part II


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Guy Ernest's Solid Gold Christmas Hits

Christmas has never been more smoothin or rockin.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wii is For Girls, XBox 360 is For Guys

I think it's obvious the Wii is for girls but in case you questioned it I just linked to the website douchebag.

Little boys don't want Wii, you pervert

360 has movies, tv shows

Monday, October 09, 2006

Bully Looks Bad

Clive Tompsun's revue is making me think Bully makes jocks look bad. I can't wait till jocks get their revenge.

this is an audio post - click to play

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Friday, September 29, 2006

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

EBaum's #1 Comedy Site

Sup douchebags. I'll be on every MWF. Monday Wednesday and Fryday. Today I talk about the good news
and bad news for Ebaum's.

this is an audio post - click to play

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Giulia Rozzi: My Kind of Comic

Why do I like this comic? Because she uses the word "douchebag." And anyone who listens to my podcast knows I like the word "douchebag." Plus the words cute and cheap are music to my ears. You're my kind of people Giulia.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Dane Cook

If it weren't for Dane Cook I wouldn't do stand-up.

this is an audio post - click to play

Friday, September 01, 2006

First Great Club Song in Meathead History

No time for an audioblog today. Toni and I are going to do it all day today. In the meanwhile check out the first great club video that changed clubbing and sports forever: 2 Unlimited, "Get Ready for This." Everytime I hear this song I think about scoring - on and off the field, if you know what I mean. In case you don't, I'm talking about scoring in a game and scoring with a ladie sexually. Goooooal!

(courtesy of UnknownGamer)

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Meathead Rock

So you might have heard that trendy nerd posers are taking over New York. No worry. One look at Billboard's rock charts and you'll see that the meatheads still rule the airwaves. In this audio post, you get to hear some music from my new band, The Guy Ernest Explosion.

this is an audio post - click to play

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Guy Ernest Hemingway

After reading this timeline on nerd history, I was inspired to write a timeline of meathead history. The most important novelist in meathead history is Ernest Hemingway. In my audio post I read my Ernest Hemingway-style short story. In fact, I think I'll make the title of this post Guy Ernest Hemingway.

this is an audio post - click to play

Here's the meathead timeline (quotes are from Wikipedia)

*1,000,000 BC - Boxing and prostitution are invented

* 1744 - "The earliest known mention of [baseball] is in a 1744 British publication, A Little Pretty Pocket-Book by John Newbery. It contains a wood-cut illustration of boys playing "base-ball" (showing a similar set-up to the modern game, yet significantly different) and a rhymed description of the sport"

* 1861 - "The Oneida Football Club, formed in Boston in 1861, is claimed by some sources as the first American football team."

* 1891 - "In early December 1891, Dr. James Naismith, a Canadian physician of McGill University and minister on the faculty of college for YMCA professionals (today, Springfield College) in Springfield, Massachusetts, sought a vigorous indoor game [basketball] to keep his Canadian students occupied and at proper levels of fitness during the long New England winters."

* 1903 - First World Series

* 1925 - "Hemingway's American literary debut came with the publication of the short story cycle In Our Time "

* 1938 - "The first known reference to an anabolic steroid in a US weightlifting/bodybuilding magazine is testosterone propinate in a letter to the editor in Strength and Health magazine"

* 1951 - "In the 1951 film A Streetcar Named Desire, the character Stanley Kowalski (played by Marlon Brando) is frequently seen wearing tank tops"

* 1955 - First NBA finals

* 1967 - First Super Bowl

* 1972 - "Rock and Roll Part II" released

* 1976 - "Rocky"

* 1977 - Arnold smokes a doobie in "Pumping Iron"

* 1978 - "We Will Rock You" and "Macho Man" released in the same year

* 1982 - Howard Stern makes his WNBC debut

* 1984 - "The Terminator" is released

* 1985 - "Rambo First Blood Part II" released-both Terminator and RFBP2 are written by James Cameron

* 1986 - Schooly D's "PSK," considered by many the first gangsta rap song, released

* 1989 - Andrew Dice Clay releases the best comedy album of all time, "Dice"

* 1991 - "Get Ready For This" released by 2 Unlimited; clubbing and sports games will never be the same

* 1995 - Maxim first released in England

* 1997 - Maxim first released in the USA

* 1998 - Limp Bizkit makes the Ladies Night in Cambodia tour where ladies get in for free

* 1999 - Woodstock 99

* 2000 - Bush elected President

* 2003 - Dane Cook's "Harmful if Swallowed" released

* 2004 - "Entourage" first fiction show that meatheads watch religously on DVD/On Demand

* 2005 - Sex and money combined beautifully on MTV dating show "Next"