The Meathead Diaries: December 2006

Friday, December 22, 2006

Two Best YouToobs in the Hystory of Man Kind

First of all we have this great video on how to win bar fights from Bas Rutten via College Humour.

Another method he doesn't mention is pretending to be nice, saying you don't want to fight, distracting him with your push-up bra cleavage then boom! Kick in the groin.

Then when it's all over cut off his dick and mail it back to him in a box. Oh baby!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

HOW TO: Make Your Own Music Blog

Step-by-step how-to on making your own music blog.

Justin Timberlake: Tough on Terror, Easy on the Eyes

Remember douchebags: every Wednesday a new Gabcast, all the other days of the work week a written blog post.

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Top Five Bimbo Albums of 2006

I keep hearing about nerd pride but it seems like the Internet is full of geek chic. We need to respect bimbos as well. In fact I officially declare December Bimbo Pride Month. The internet runs on porn: where would porn be without bimbos? And you try telling me that blogs like Gawker and Stereogum don't write about bimbos like Britney and Paris. I salute America's bimbos. Bimbos are also great musicians. Here are the best of the year.

5) Brooke Hogan, Undiscovered: She's got hot beats, but her muscles are sexy as well. Though I got to admit she blurs the line between bimbo and meathead. Still, very nice. A great symbol of bimbo strength. I mean she was in the same room as Paul Wall and his grills didn't scare her off. Tuff and sexy.

4) Nelly Furtado, Loose: Oh baby. Talk about hot. As soon as I hear "Furtado" I get a boner. In fact, I get horny when I hear "fart" because it sounds like "Furtado." When someone says "fart taco," forget about it.

3) Fergie, The Dutchess: Ooh, Fergie is a bimbo rite down to that urine-soaked camel toe. No shame in her game baby. I'd love to drive my ~~Mini Cooper~~stretch limo across her bridge. Oh baby.

2) Jessica Simpson, A Public Affair: Let's get to the point, as Nelly Furtado would say: Jessica Simpson and funny dudes go together like pizza and beer. Dane Cook, Johnny Knoxville, Andy Dick. In fact, Jessica Simpson, I would like to publicly ask you to star in a movie with me called A Guy Thing. I salute you for working exclusively with meatheads like Dane Cook and for never being ashamed of being a bimbo.

1) Paris Hilton, Paris: Paris Hilton is the queen of bimbos. That video One Night in Paris is one of the most downloaded videos of all time. Sorry nerd, but that Star Wars video you made will never beat the Paris video. Paris is the queen of Internet bimbosity. Tell me one blog that don't talk about her. If it doesn't it's boring-it probably talks about steampunk toilets or something. Stars are blind indeed: otherwise they would all grind on Paris.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Top Ten Meathead Albums of 2006

What's up douchebags? It's Guy Ernest here. We all heard that geeks are in and indie is the new mainstream. But like true wimpy cookie pusses they cry when their nerdcore or indie isn't #1 on Bill's Board. Sorry, but the meatheads rule the charts. But everywhere I look on the Internette I see all these top ten lists about guys I haven't heard of. Hold Steady? Beirut? Zombies vs. Aliens? Here's the real deal: albums that everybody's heard that true macho men like. You nerds can have your chiptune: this is a new era; meat chic will take over geek chic. I'm gonna give you the top ten: Guy Ernest style!

10) Jet, Shine On(I can't find the underline button): "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" is a real man's song. None of this "Are you gonna be my ugly nerd cosplay girl with glasses" nonsense. Real tough, manly rock and roll.
The new song is more better and more toughest. "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is" is what the ladies say. Tell me you can't relate to this:

And the beat goes on

She knows nothin' is wrong

She goes down, like a setting sun, ow

Tell me you can't relate to that. Actually those lines are so truly poetic they can mean anything. Maybe she's slurpin' the sausage, maybe she fell down on the floor, maybe the Jet guy put her in a blender because she was ok with it ("she knows nothing is wrong") and he's drinking a pureed version of her. Who new those guys were so beautiful. Their lyrics. I mean.

4) Audioslave, Revelations (underlined): One day I was depressed because a bunch of hippies made fun of me for liking Dane Cook (the best ~~looking~~ laughing comedian ever). I was sad until I heard "Original Fire." I was so inspired I wrote a poem called "Douchebag." Here's a taste:

What's the sound of a vinegar truck and a water truck colliding?
You, douchebag.

"Original Fire" is as beautiful as a feathered blond on a Trans-Am with a pukka shell necklace.

3) Hinder, Extreme Behaviour
You know how, when you finish a football game, you got to tap your friend on the ass and say "good game?" Well this is the musical equivalent of that. "Lips of an Angel" is a pink fluffy turd, I kno but "Get Stoned" is so smooth. One time I smoked a blunt outside of Applebee's with my friend Biff Bixby and we ordered five plates of hot wings afterwords. Me and Biff kept singing this to each other.

Lets go home and get stoned (just that part over and over again)

Man that was funny. LOLz tee hee.

2) Nickelback, All the Wright Reasons: Nevermind this came out last year. But this video takes me back to high school. I love the beginning when the guy who sings "Spider Man" holds a picture to the camera and says "Look at this photograph." I always wanted to know what photograph he was talking about.

1) Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stadium Arcadium: The only thing wrong with this album is they talk about California more than New York. I want to make my own band called The Red Hot Chili Peppers: New York. Kind of like CSI: New York. Instead of "Californication" the album would be called "Screw York." Oh baby, solid gold wordplay. But I love how they talk about funky sex. Keep it up dudes. You're cooler than cucumbers in a penguin's fridge underneath a six-pack of Molson Ice.