The Meathead Diaries

Me On Tape

2008-06-24T05:44:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Luke Thayer, Abbi Crutchfield and Delusions of Spandex!

My Gig In Jersey

2008-01-25T08:09:00.000-08:00

Sorry haters, but Guy Ernest will destroy in funny ways in Haskill New Jersey.

Haters might as well come so we can call it Haterskill.

SATURDAY, JAN. 26
RINGWOOD AVENUE COMEDY NIGHT
EIGHT FIFTEEN
815 RINGWOON AVENUE
HASKELL, NEW JERSEY

Who Need’s Writers When u Got Fighters!

2008-01-08T13:34:00.001-08:00

Sup douschebags its Guy Ernest Here!

What the writer’s are striking? Ooh I’m shaking.

Wait what? Oh baby AMERICAN GLADIATORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not daly shoe
Not colbair report

AMERICAN GLADIATORS

American gladiators is the big show of 0 8.

Looks like brawns beat brains again.

These douschebags keep talking about how computers will take over tv and lunchtime will take over prime time.

Looks like the ladies still prefer nighttime beefcake to daytime queefcake. Sorry nerds but your time is up.

American Gladiators made me think of my own show.

A remake of Yo Momma: Street Fighter edition

It’s a remake of yo momma but if you can’t think of a comeback, you throw a medicine ball at the opponent and down an alcoholic drink of your choice with redbull.

Oh baby. Solid primetime television hit!

My New Love Song

2007-12-19T20:13:00.000-08:00

You may know me for my zingers and ball bustin but this is no joke. Strate from the heart.

top ten indie gold hits of 7

2007-12-17T20:49:00.000-08:00

Sup douchebags. It's guy ernest here. I am the best comedian since Shakespeare busted his ass with his hitler mustache and cane but I know that the bloggers (Mo Diggs especially-douchebag left me for the Avery new york comedy blog) the comedy bloggers don't talk to Uncle Guy. Well sorry to scratch my nuts at your orgy there, Hipsterberry Fin, but this hunky meathead from Ronkonkoma, Long Island, happens to know his way around,

wait a minute this really hip alternative hipster indie non-mainstream underground blogger named Village Vegetarian (didn't hear of him? didn't think so) aske me what my top ten indie rock songs of 2 ought 7 are. I can't link to his blog but here's the intro:

Guy Ernest is the best comedian ever. I also like David Cross but Guy Ernest is sooo much more hip. The pussy he gets. Those sexy electroclash muscle dance mooves oh baby!
Here's Guy Ernest with his top ten indie rock songs. They are the best choices and are supreme. They show and prove the bestest heart of a champion. Winning is life is a game. These are indeed the solid gold indie rock hits of ought 7.

Hey hep cats. Here are my favorite alternative songs for my alternative comedy loving fans.

10. The Killers, "When You Were Young"

This might be the best song since fight like a brave or REMS losing my relighion. This song is like your girlfriend buying you a lap dance from a stripper at a strip club. Except the strip club is Vietnam and you just won, rico.

09. Foo Fighter "The Pretender"

Alternative? Try granddaddy of alternative! To be honest, I thought Courtney Love would make Nirvana's legacy girly. But Dave Grole made the legacy more macho than ever. He's the Best the BEST THE BEST!!!

08. Fall Out Boy "Arms Race"

I didn't like this song until I saw that Verizon commercial with the weightlifer. It GETS ME PUMPED. This song is huger than a vein on a dolphin's penis. This song is like the theme song of comedy. The Clairol call of comedy. It is a goddam arms race. The comedy scene ain't a scene it's a goddam arms race. I love those black guys hanging out in the background. This is the kind of rock song that every race loves. An anthem for the American race.

I got a rap song in my dome.

Why you got a hate

I got jokes

I ll never stop

You're momma is fat

Oh baby! Solid gold comedy hits!

2. Dane Cook, "Forward"

OK we're almost getting towards the end of the list. Just a few more hoofs and thrusts and we'll be coolin down like a polar bear stripping on stage. Or heating up.
Hot and cool like a McDLT. Talk all you want but only one comedian this year was alternative enough to be a man and show his feelings. I sing this to my girlfriend Toni every night. Reminds me of Pearl Jam but if they came from Chicago.

"I'm the only one who doesn't fit in this place."

Nothing more alternative or non mainstream than not fucking Jessica Alba when you get the chance baby.

1. Finger Eleven, "Paralyzer"

With all due respect to Cook, this has that sexy downtown dance rock feel. The vocabulary is so good. I didn't know there was such a thing as a paralyzer. This song makes me wanna work out, tell some jokes, rub my victories in some scene punks face and grab Toni's juicy apple. It reminds me of the Pethouse Pet Workout video tape I used to have in 1992. This song is sexier than the whole wide internet.

Meathead Comedy Manifesto

2007-09-10T00:39:00.000-07:00

Alternative Comedy: abserd

Meathead Comedy: The right answers to problems

AC: low energy

MC: high energy

AC: indie rock

MC: meathead rock

AC: nerd

CL jock

MEATHEAD COMEDY: High-energy logical meathead jock rock comedy

Meet My Father Manny

2007-02-01T17:05:00.000-08:00

Mo Diggs and I talk to my father Manny Ernest.

Kevin Meaney

True Man's Comedy

2007-01-24T13:48:00.000-08:00

Once again I got my special guest Mo Diggs in the studio.

This Blogger Talks about a Candy-Covered Dick

2007-01-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

Eww! Stupid head. Why would someone call a multi-candy-colored dick beautiful? Oh sorry it's a caterpillar. One time I went to this French restaurant that served escargo, or fried caterpillars. I asked for pizza or barbecue sauce they said no. This is worse because it's a candy-covered caterpillar.

An Interview with (Ho)Mo!

2007-01-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

Mo and I talk about John Basedow's MySpace page and other things.

Meathead TV

2007-01-12T11:39:00.000-08:00

Whats up douchebags. It's Guy Ernest here. Bye bye TV run by nerds, hello meathead TV. Apple TV will let meatheads upload their video to the TV. Ooh baby. Now the world can see my muscles. Oh and the girls I bang. Check this one out. Oh baby.

Even better, nerdy fruitcake journalists with glasses (the Clark Kents) will drop off and manly journalists who look good on camera (Supermen) will win with citizen journalism. All I need is a videocamera and CBS will be shaking in its snakeskin boots. Ha ha clark kents you thought writing was good enough. No; that's the beauty; now with all this technology NO ONE WILL READ NEWSPAPERS AND YOU WILL JUST WATCH THE NEWS! WHICH MEANS UGLY NERDS WHO ONLY KNOW HOW TO WRITE WILL BE REPLACED MORE AND MOORE BY MEATHEADS AND BIMBOS WHO LOOK GOOD AND KNOW HOW TO POINT A CAMERA. THANK THE GREEK MUSCULAR GODS! OH BABY!

I'm inspired by Macho Videos. All macho videos all the time. Sorry geeks; no iPhone here. Just babes. All they need is bubbles and it will be the best website ever.

I'm gonna make a channel for APple TV in the future called MTV or Meathead TV. In the future there will be no music; just sex sounds turned into music by Matmos. Solid gold sex noise hits!

Now I know I'm hotter than a steaming pile of horseshit at Disney World, but even I can be wrong.

I WAS WRONG ABOUT THE WII.

After seeing this Wii Sex movie I'm gonna make meathead Wii movies.

Oh baby! Seriously, I wanna make a show on Meathead TV with Wii milfs. Or Wiilfs. Maybe I'll make a film called Teen Wiilf. Or Hungry for the Wiilf. Or Castle Wiilfenstein. Or Warner Wiilf. Let's go to the video tape!

My State of the Union

2007-01-10T15:55:00.000-08:00

my entry for the MySpace State of the Union Contest.

True American Hero: Otis Redding

2007-01-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

Here;s a new segment caled true american hero. Otis Redding wrote a song called Respect. Some lady stole it from him but his version makes more sense. When I get home from work at Vitamin Universe, I need respect from my girl Toni. You said it best live at Montreal, Otis: the man needs respect.

Meatheads: Winning the War in Iraq andVideo Games

2007-01-03T20:07:00.000-08:00

We're winning in Iraq and in video games. If only we could win on the internet.

Two Best YouToobs in the Hystory of Man Kind

2006-12-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

First of all we have this great video on how to win bar fights from Bas Rutten via College Humour.

Another method he doesn't mention is pretending to be nice, saying you don't want to fight, distracting him with your push-up bra cleavage then boom! Kick in the groin.

Then when it's all over cut off his dick and mail it back to him in a box. Oh baby!

HOW TO: Make Your Own Music Blog

2006-12-21T10:50:00.000-08:00

Step-by-step how-to on making your own music blog.

Justin Timberlake: Tough on Terror, Easy on the Eyes

Remember douchebags: every Wednesday a new Gabcast, all the other days of the work week a written blog post.

The Top Five Bimbo Albums of 2006

2006-12-18T12:31:00.000-08:00

I keep hearing about nerd pride but it seems like the Internet is full of geek chic. We need to respect bimbos as well. In fact I officially declare December Bimbo Pride Month. The internet runs on porn: where would porn be without bimbos? And you try telling me that blogs like Gawker and Stereogum don't write about bimbos like Britney and Paris. I salute America's bimbos. Bimbos are also great musicians. Here are the best of the year.

5) Brooke Hogan, Undiscovered: She's got hot beats, but her muscles are sexy as well. Though I got to admit she blurs the line between bimbo and meathead. Still, very nice. A great symbol of bimbo strength. I mean she was in the same room as Paul Wall and his grills didn't scare her off. Tuff and sexy.

4) Nelly Furtado, Loose: Oh baby. Talk about hot. As soon as I hear "Furtado" I get a boner. In fact, I get horny when I hear "fart" because it sounds like "Furtado." When someone says "fart taco," forget about it.

3) Fergie, The Dutchess: Ooh, Fergie is a bimbo rite down to that urine-soaked camel toe. No shame in her game baby. I'd love to drive my ~~Mini Cooper~~stretch limo across her bridge. Oh baby.

2) Jessica Simpson, A Public Affair: Let's get to the point, as Nelly Furtado would say: Jessica Simpson and funny dudes go together like pizza and beer. Dane Cook, Johnny Knoxville, Andy Dick. In fact, Jessica Simpson, I would like to publicly ask you to star in a movie with me called A Guy Thing. I salute you for working exclusively with meatheads like Dane Cook and for never being ashamed of being a bimbo.

1) Paris Hilton, Paris: Paris Hilton is the queen of bimbos. That video One Night in Paris is one of the most downloaded videos of all time. Sorry nerd, but that Star Wars video you made will never beat the Paris video. Paris is the queen of Internet bimbosity. Tell me one blog that don't talk about her. If it doesn't it's boring-it probably talks about steampunk toilets or something. Stars are blind indeed: otherwise they would all grind on Paris.

The Top Ten Meathead Albums of 2006

2006-12-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

What's up douchebags? It's Guy Ernest here. We all heard that geeks are in and indie is the new mainstream. But like true wimpy cookie pusses they cry when their nerdcore or indie isn't #1 on Bill's Board. Sorry, but the meatheads rule the charts. But everywhere I look on the Internette I see all these top ten lists about guys I haven't heard of. Hold Steady? Beirut? Zombies vs. Aliens? Here's the real deal: albums that everybody's heard that true macho men like. You nerds can have your chiptune: this is a new era; meat chic will take over geek chic. I'm gonna give you the top ten: Guy Ernest style!

10) Jet, Shine On(I can't find the underline button): "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" is a real man's song. None of this "Are you gonna be my ugly nerd cosplay girl with glasses" nonsense. Real tough, manly rock and roll.
The new song is more better and more toughest. "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is" is what the ladies say. Tell me you can't relate to this:

And the beat goes on

She knows nothin' is wrong

She goes down, like a setting sun, ow

Tell me you can't relate to that. Actually those lines are so truly poetic they can mean anything. Maybe she's slurpin' the sausage, maybe she fell down on the floor, maybe the Jet guy put her in a blender because she was ok with it ("she knows nothing is wrong") and he's drinking a pureed version of her. Who new those guys were so beautiful. Their lyrics. I mean.

4) Audioslave, Revelations (underlined): One day I was depressed because a bunch of hippies made fun of me for liking Dane Cook (the best ~~looking~~ laughing comedian ever). I was sad until I heard "Original Fire." I was so inspired I wrote a poem called "Douchebag." Here's a taste:

What's the sound of a vinegar truck and a water truck colliding?
You, douchebag.

"Original Fire" is as beautiful as a feathered blond on a Trans-Am with a pukka shell necklace.

3) Hinder, Extreme Behaviour
You know how, when you finish a football game, you got to tap your friend on the ass and say "good game?" Well this is the musical equivalent of that. "Lips of an Angel" is a pink fluffy turd, I kno but "Get Stoned" is so smooth. One time I smoked a blunt outside of Applebee's with my friend Biff Bixby and we ordered five plates of hot wings afterwords. Me and Biff kept singing this to each other.

Lets go home and get stoned (just that part over and over again)

Man that was funny. LOLz tee hee.

2) Nickelback, All the Wright Reasons: Nevermind this came out last year. But this video takes me back to high school. I love the beginning when the guy who sings "Spider Man" holds a picture to the camera and says "Look at this photograph." I always wanted to know what photograph he was talking about.

1) Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stadium Arcadium: The only thing wrong with this album is they talk about California more than New York. I want to make my own band called The Red Hot Chili Peppers: New York. Kind of like CSI: New York. Instead of "Californication" the album would be called "Screw York." Oh baby, solid gold wordplay. But I love how they talk about funky sex. Keep it up dudes. You're cooler than cucumbers in a penguin's fridge underneath a six-pack of Molson Ice.

UPDATE: THANK YOU HEARTONASTICK AND LARGEHEARTEDBOY

Bimbos and Jocks Unite!

2006-12-13T12:07:00.000-08:00

Here I talk about the Wii-vibrator (told you it's not for real men, bimbo pride and jock hip-hop.

Important Links

Nerdcore

Wii-Vibrator

MySpice Beats Yahoo

Meat Chic Manifesto Part I

Part II

Grundle

Guy Ernest's Solid Gold Christmas Hits

2006-11-29T12:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas has never been more smoothin or rockin.

Wii is For Girls, XBox 360 is For Guys

2006-11-22T09:40:00.000-08:00

I think it's obvious the Wii is for girls but in case you questioned it I just linked to the website douchebag.

Also:
Little boys don't want Wii, you pervert

360 has movies, tv shows

Bully Looks Bad

2006-10-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

Clive Tompsun's revue is making me think Bully makes jocks look bad. I can't wait till jocks get their revenge.

Real Men of Comedy

2006-10-04T14:06:00.000-07:00

Here's the site

Here's my foughts

Podcast Interview With Howard Stern

2006-09-29T16:07:00.001-07:00

Oh baby!

EBaum's #1 Comedy Site

2006-09-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

Sup douchebags. I'll be on every MWF. Monday Wednesday and Fryday. Today I talk about the good news
and bad news for Ebaum's.

Giulia Rozzi: My Kind of Comic

2006-09-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

Why do I like this comic? Because she uses the word "douchebag." And anyone who listens to my podcast knows I like the word "douchebag." Plus the words cute and cheap are music to my ears. You're my kind of people Giulia.

Burlesque Sux

2006-09-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

Katie Couric's New Sign-Off

2006-09-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

Katie Couric debuted her thing last night. She said she wanted a sign-off. Here's my suggestion.

Dane Cook

2006-09-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

If it weren't for Dane Cook I wouldn't do stand-up.

First Great Club Song in Meathead History

2006-09-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

No time for an audioblog today. Toni and I are going to do it all day today. In the meanwhile check out the first great club video that changed clubbing and sports forever: 2 Unlimited, "Get Ready for This." Everytime I hear this song I think about scoring - on and off the field, if you know what I mean. In case you don't, I'm talking about scoring in a game and scoring with a ladie sexually. Goooooal!

(courtesy of UnknownGamer)

Meathead Rock

2006-08-31T12:54:00.000-07:00

So you might have heard that trendy nerd posers are taking over New York. No worry. One look at Billboard's rock charts and you'll see that the meatheads still rule the airwaves. In this audio post, you get to hear some music from my new band, The Guy Ernest Explosion.

Guy Ernest Hemingway

2006-08-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

After reading this timeline on nerd history, I was inspired to write a timeline of meathead history. The most important novelist in meathead history is Ernest Hemingway. In my audio post I read my Ernest Hemingway-style short story. In fact, I think I'll make the title of this post Guy Ernest Hemingway.

Here's the meathead timeline (quotes are from Wikipedia)

*1,000,000 BC - Boxing and prostitution are invented

* 1744 - "The earliest known mention of [baseball] is in a 1744 British publication, A Little Pretty Pocket-Book by John Newbery. It contains a wood-cut illustration of boys playing "base-ball" (showing a similar set-up to the modern game, yet significantly different) and a rhymed description of the sport"

* 1861 - "The Oneida Football Club, formed in Boston in 1861, is claimed by some sources as the first American football team."

* 1891 - "In early December 1891, Dr. James Naismith, a Canadian physician of McGill University and minister on the faculty of college for YMCA professionals (today, Springfield College) in Springfield, Massachusetts, sought a vigorous indoor game [basketball] to keep his Canadian students occupied and at proper levels of fitness during the long New England winters."

* 1903 - First World Series

* 1925 - "Hemingway's American literary debut came with the publication of the short story cycle In Our Time "

* 1938 - "The first known reference to an anabolic steroid in a US weightlifting/bodybuilding magazine is testosterone propinate in a letter to the editor in Strength and Health magazine"

* 1951 - "In the 1951 film A Streetcar Named Desire, the character Stanley Kowalski (played by Marlon Brando) is frequently seen wearing tank tops"

* 1955 - First NBA finals

* 1967 - First Super Bowl

* 1972 - "Rock and Roll Part II" released

* 1976 - "Rocky"

* 1977 - Arnold smokes a doobie in "Pumping Iron"

* 1978 - "We Will Rock You" and "Macho Man" released in the same year

* 1982 - Howard Stern makes his WNBC debut

* 1984 - "The Terminator" is released

* 1985 - "Rambo First Blood Part II" released-both Terminator and RFBP2 are written by James Cameron

* 1986 - Schooly D's "PSK," considered by many the first gangsta rap song, released

* 1989 - Andrew Dice Clay releases the best comedy album of all time, "Dice"

* 1991 - "Get Ready For This" released by 2 Unlimited; clubbing and sports games will never be the same

* 1995 - Maxim first released in England

* 1997 - Maxim first released in the USA

* 1998 - Limp Bizkit makes the Ladies Night in Cambodia tour where ladies get in for free

* 1999 - Woodstock 99

* 2000 - Bush elected President

* 2003 - Dane Cook's "Harmful if Swallowed" released

* 2004 - "Entourage" first fiction show that meatheads watch religously on DVD/On Demand

* 2005 - Sex and money combined beautifully on MTV dating show "Next"

This is My New Place

2006-08-28T12:13:00.001-07:00

Here's a link to my old blog